It is unreal that I let all of which was so precious to me, my innocence; go away in the manner in which it happened. But, to be more precise and to tell the truth of God, I forfeited it because I didn’t give a damn, I suppose. But maybe I am too self-conscious, looking too much into me. Maybe, truly, it was indeed taken away from me, I did not surrender it. Maybe it is how the world operates; you have to lose your innocence to an anonymous character in the shadows of apathy.
My grandmother, my mother, my true friends who meant well, and all people who cared about me and my bright, fruitful future, all told me how wonderful it would be for me to be all this perfect woman, with all of me still intact, for the rest of my youthful life.
But the future, and all its promises of exuberant prospects, with its buzz of financial security and glamorous working occupations and world travel, and with all its beautiful, intoxicating relationships, including marriage, drifted into infinity when I tried to look at it. The future seemed a long time too far into the horizon and I did not know who was going to marry me when all around me life was buzzing with all these gorgeous gentlemen, when the present was awash with all these glorious opportunities to shine and stamp a footprint. This scenario was not going to be with me for always, so why not enjoy the real, live moment instead of waiting for the unknown. Mind you, Godot never showed up. He never came, he never arrived.
And the excitement of real life was enticing as everybody raved about it, lived it and died in it. Even the music said so many beautiful tings about hunky men and pretty women in love, and I was a beautiful woman who everybody wanted to be with, men and women. The world admires people who make music and make those around them dance in ecstasy, and I was the music maker. I remember going to this mall in the city centre where the rich came to ogle expensive goodies and to eat exotic foods, where money makers came to exhibit themselves, and where starlets went to flaunt their wares. It is here where the rich, the stars and the cool would stop in their tracks when their eyes met mine to tell me how exquisite I was. Ever since that day I have always carried that tag with me as I flourished my tail as if it was a ticket to paradise, which, in the real world, it is a ticket to magical islands if you know how to use it wisely.
One of my English teachers, during a life skills’ period, always made it a point to cite a William Blake poem, The Sick Rose, as warning about a reckless, unattended life style. This Blake rose died too young, she told us, laden with sinful sicknesses. This Blake rose did not bloom to the full, but it whittled under the burden of diseases, and no one enjoyed its beauty, nor did it live long enough to enjoy its beauty. That class was a long way ago, but I have not forgotten the poem, because it lit the red light for me when I was threatening to do the silly. Though I did not want to die young, I craved the excitement of living in the world of ecstasy and abandon to the finer things in life, the world in which I was free to enjoy my young life lest I, later, got caught in the middle of mid-life crises. And, in the process, I gave in to the call of the wild and the fantastic, of Blake’s morbid world of sick roses.
And so the hunky, sick-packed gentlemen‘s calls were too melodic to ignore. And the promise of money was too loud, too alluring, and it flung the Blake caution into oblivion.
So I lost my innocence to the world. To the world which, not long into the past, I could manipulate and fiddle with my finger tips, the world which was an oyster to me; I was always too intelligent to be caught unawares, I knew all the danger signs and I was not the one to be caught into an intoxicating mixture of sin and risk and blinding charms. I always knew how to fly into the safety net of the cautious. But the sick worm crept up to me like a thief in the dark of the night. I did not see it wobble its way into me, or maybe I pretended not to see it, lest I disturbed its magical thrust as it waved its way into me. Maybe I was too drunk with matters of youthful joy to notice the dangers at the time. The stupor was too thick, too gloomy for me to drift through, the grinning magic intoxicating and the shadows obscured, with the guise of fake sweet fragrances of dying summer flowers masking the smell of death.
The moment I gave in, yelling to my mother in the blue skies above embraced with shiny, exotic stars of the galaxy, and yielding to the powerful seduction of the breaking world, it was all over. The innocence flew away into the unprotected skies like a flapping whirl of beauty that was once rooted firmly in my bosom but was now spinning out of my reach. I was fixed there on the spot, prostrate and suddenly forlorn and bare, looking up at my life drifting away into demise. My life was now out in the open, exposed to every one to ogle at. I dimly heard the murmurs of dismay and despair as people around me gasped in shock, not believing that a fully-fledged human like me, has let their being to float like a kite in the skies, exposing me for all and sundry to take in.
But here I am now, telling you what happened in that moment of a thrilling dark promise. I am still here, I can still reach for the skies and rock the world, but my energies are no longer as throttled-filled as before. I have lost a piece of adulation in my stride and the respect I command has lost its shine. But I am still the colourful, exquisite girl everybody raved about in the past. To you I am brand new and a good example of what tenacity and commitment mean. I am a good example of what it means to ignore the mishaps and to stagger up again, dusting your behind to get on with your life.
I want you to inspire many people with this story. And that is what I want you to do, please.
Tell people not to give in to passers-by with fancy proses in their tongues. To people who has a lot of promise but who want you to show them your worth before they can execute their promises. Don’t give in to trickery, because in the process you lose what you should preserve for the precious love of your life, the people who are the rock in your life. I want you to tell them everyone to bide their time and to enjoy each and every stage of their lives and not to leap-frog to the demise of their vision- in the quest for illicit happiness and joy.
All of us should enjoy our childhood and know how to control our urges until the time to blossom comes.
When I lost my innocence I did not only lose me and my verve. I lost my life. Now I live with this disease. It is an albatross. It is with me all the time. It is an invincible reminder that I threw caution to the wind and succumbed to the ill-gotten pleasures of the world. Now there is always misery all around me and I am aware that I don’t relish the reverence that I once flaunted for all to see.
But, let me make this clear, although I have lost my innocence, I have not lost my faith in life and in the belief that life still promises so much for me.
And I am angry that I lost my innocence so in a matter of senseless naiveté, so cheaply. Yes, I did lose my innocence like an athlete who loses a race by ignorance; because they lost focus, letting the one behind win because they stupidly celebrated the win and slowed down before crossing the finishing line. I behaved like a congregant who hastened to say ‘Amen’ before finishing the Lord’s prayer. I lost my innocence with my eyes wide open, I saw everything. But as soon as the experience was over, I buried my face between my knees and regretted it all. By then it was all over, it was gone, it was done, damaged, and the worm whistling away with my stolen sweet memories.
Hug me, please. Give me your love, I am not defiled; I am not rubbish now that I am what I am. I still have so much love and empathy to give to the world. I intend to give you love and to cherish you.
I wish you all the best, and hope that you will never write a story like mine-ever. So don’t go astray, don’t be attracted to the shiny trinkets when you haven’t seen their inner demons.
Don’t lose your innocence to the worms.
Your innocence is the only one thing in your life that will outshine all the other personal attributes you own. It is glorious, it is serene.
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